Maybe your ex has actually stopped being an emotionally abusive person. You're finally feeling like yourself again and putting yourself back out there, when, like clockwork, your ex reaches out to you. I'm very happy with my huband and I know that I made the right decision for myself, but I feel bad that it hurt someone else. You had strong feelings for your ex, things didnt end well, and you dont want them disrupting your life. It is entirely up to you to respond or not. Most people spend their lives seeking perfection in a partner only to realize that there is no such thing as perfection. Some of our newly rediscovered friendships may very well pick back up and grow in their meaning in your lives, as theyll reflect the shared experience of the pandemic anxiety and fallout that is happening as the friendship is heating back up. Anyways, I was young and didn't handle the situation well. Just ask, Why did you reach out to me after all this time? Your ex will likely be at a loss of words at first, but soon either give you the truth or half-truth. Its okay if your ex doesnt contact you, Linda. You might have completely moved on and be having the time of your life then suddenly, heres your ex. But just because it's possible, it doesn't mean that it will happen on your terms. Maybe you thought youve made your peace with whatever happened with your ex. As youve read, its the norm for people to get back together after theyve been broken up for years. We are on opposite sides of the Country now which makes it hard, but not impossible. The first thing most people think when anex contactsthem is that they want something. Here are six common reasons for exes getting back together years later. They started dating in 2003 when they were in university. Here Are 16 Coping Tips, The 4 Bases In Relationships That We Unanimously Agree On. Anyway I replied nicely and she was surprised I wanted to even speak to her. Wont hurt to text them back if alls forgiven and forgotten. CNBC recently reported that 80% of active fund managers are falling behind the major indexes. At the time he has decided to respect my body my choice and never asked me directly about the truth of the rumor. she also said as a married woman, an affair would be devastating and destructive. He has a wife and two adorable girls now and Im happy for him. The most common reason your ex-girlfriend will reach out to ask how you are doing is to make sure you are doing okay because she still cares about you, and loves you as a person. Each relationship has its own unique conclusion. "Crossing the X Date would be unprecedented," Akabas said. After the initial gloomy impact of the breakup is lifted, they perceive that leaving you (or cheating on you) was a huge mistake. For the past year, I've been letting go of people from my past & focusing on what I want in an ideal partne. Something is often wrong when an ex comes back into the picture years later. But for that to happen, your ex has to suffer and change his or her opinion of you. Long time. Consider whether your ex is entitled to this kind of work from you. When an ex contacts you years later, just seeing their name pop up on your phones screen is going to set off fireworks in your brain. But if youre with someone else and feel happy, you can respond and see what triggered his nostalgia. On a whim, I looked to see if he was on Facebook. When exes come back after months, there could be a rosy side to it too. You dont need to reply if you dont want to (things could get out of hand). Instead, it was their feelings about their ex and about the breakup that predicted contact: People were more likely to communicate with exes they still had feelings for. In fact, it can help minimize our own sense of anxiety. And if you are in a serious relationship, it is always better to loop your partner in on the little developments on the ex-front. So first things first, discern what your ex wants from you and secondly, what you can gain from your ex. Hanging Out With An Ex While In A Relationship. In my opinion, love is love whether its platonic or intimate, in the end the outcome effect can be the same. So if youre figuring out what to do if an ex contacts you after years, the first thing you should do is figure out how well you have healed., Talking about how texts from her ex ended up wreaking havoc in her life, Rebecca, a teacher from Michigan, shares, My ex got married but still contacts me and my current partner couldnt be angrier about it. I think if you don't feel completely comfortable responding or you're questioning their motives, then don't respond. Your heart might start beating faster the moment you get a text from the ex but take a few minutes to think about the consequences if you end up meeting the ex again. My Ex Is Drinking/Partying After A Breakup, whether you think your ex can make a good friend, how much emotional progress youve made since the breakup, and how much respect you have for your ex, how your familys doing (not to be mistaken for an indirect approach to break the ice), how you perceive your ex and feel about him or her, Your ex could also be very direct and say . Learn how your comment data is processed. I help over 1 million men a year radically transform their lives for the better after being dumped. When they meet up with their ex years later, they come to the same conclusion and decide to get back together. But years later, they realize they could have worked their way through their problems and that breaking up was a mistake. An immediate response is never a good idea. Its difficult to find someone who accepts you the way you are. Press J to jump to the feed. One conversation leads to two, two leads to three, and before you know it, youre arranging to Netflix and chill.. You might be the kind of person who does not stay friends with their exes and the sudden texting might throw you off guard. Psychology Today 2023 Sussex Publishers, LLC, Psychology and the Mystery of the "Poisoned" Schoolgirls. It was interesting seeing him again. But they didnt click with anyone. And if everything else fails, go with your gut feeling when an ex contacts you suddenly. We were together for about 5 years until she broke it off. But if youre reconnecting with an ex after 10 years or so, they might be texting you out of a sense of nostalgia and friendliness. When an ex contacts you years later, you need to focus on why they became your ex in the first place. You might end up immediately assuming things like: Is this a new start to our relationship? It was so dumb, just irrational avoidance and not being ready yetThe five-year gap was apparently not enough, lol. The next time was about 5 years after that. This post originally appeared at Attract The One. If you just went on a date and he responds 3 days after, he might be following an old dating rule to make you more interested in him. I once reached out though, in a moment of guilt and stress, to an ex in attempt to apologize for everything that happened (at that time 4yrs in the past. He even tried to call and make the appointment for me. Why would an ex contact you years later? A sapiosexual, pizza-loving cinephile. A year later one of his fraternity brothers reached out and let me know how he was doing and "he's really sorry for the pain he inflicted, can't you forgive him?" Yeah, no. Thank you for your article very insightful. You dont dictate the pace, criticize your ex, or talk about the breakup. It took a bunch of direct messages to make it very clear that I dont want to contact him, Ash, a 31-year-old activist, tells us. It weighs on me even now (a few months after) but ultimately I didnt know what to say or how to respond. What Does It Mean When A Guy Calls You Sweet. He was enraged and hurt me by yelling at me in anger and with the things he'd said. We shared that we'd both stayed hung up on each for years after the break up. That way, even if you break up with your partner and get back together with your ex, at least you gave them a heads-up. As most of the comments say it depends on how the relationship was. In my last relationship, I left the guy to be with my now husband. That something may not necessarily be what you may have been hoping for, but its something only you have. Before going down a path you have already been on, voice what you want from this renewed relationship be it any kind. If one of my exes reached out to me years after the break-up Id know that their personal lives have become a great disappointment and now theyre reevaluating what they foolishly threw away years before. She responded back instantly. If youve healed, youre not going to overthink too much. She said she feels guilty for our relationship (as I was involved with someone else at the time.) The moment you hear from your ex, you probably wont know what your ex wants from you. What do you expect out of this renewed relationship? Theres also a chance that your partner has asked what youd do if your ex resurfaced. I was living back in our old area for a little while and had been spending every weekend that summer at a beach club. [9] It can be a shock to get a random text or phone call from your ex. Several reasons exes may contact you are below. :). The inevitable distance between two people in love, the restless neediness of love. Until that happens, you dont do anything. I will stay in a chaotic state of mind until I find out what they want after all these days.. Ignore it. Whatever the bad news, your ex thought youd want to know about it. You can also use the online chat. That's an interesting angle I did not consider, I'm glad it helped! And think of yourself first. Your life will probably look a lot different now to when you were with your ex. Been talking to my ex for about a month and for 1st time in 10+ years I feel happy. Thanks once again. A closure response. As if you both needed a reason to get even more heavily chemically attached to each other. A voice can calm us down and we can catch so much more meaning when listening to anothers inflection, tone, rate of speech that texts will never allow even with the latest set of emojis! But this article is so important and healthy ways for dumpeees. You just sit tight and wait for your ex to reveal what he or she wants. My ex contacted me after 18 months of no contact during lockdown. In fact, it might even be a good idea to block your ex if they make you feel uncomfortable on any level. And this isn't just a one year anomaly either. Thanks to you, I got myself together :)) When an ex contacts you years later, you need to focus on why they became your ex in the first place. I just this week had an ex reach out after 20 years. Its imperative that you learn why your ex reached out after so many years so that you know what to do with your ex. Youll probably experience a flood of emotions when you get that message, so getting an objective opinion will help you look at things from a different perspective and make the right decision. 2. If you're hesitant to use a video call, a phone call can be as intimate and connective as a video call. They dont want to hear how youre doing through the grapevine. It was important and felt good. Another reason why your ex contacts you suddenly after so long might be because they are struggling with their feelings alone. When the call, email, ortext messagecomes, dont feel that you need to be polite. If you stay in no contact (and you should), youll recover in a matter of days (most likely). Its not helpful, though, to go into any reconnection with too many expectations. Maybe you were really close with one of your exs friends or family members, and theyre either seriously ill and on their deathbed, or they died suddenly. You must keep in mind that your ex (the dumper) decides what kind of a relationship is possible. Like I said, I never reached out to an Ex. Thank you Zan for your perspective. I hope his heart is at peace/ease despite things not going how he may have expected. Dont make up stories when your partner asks you, Why would an ex contact you years later? Be honest and tell them the truth about what your ex has texted you. They want to hear it from you directly. Seeing your ex after a long time could be extremely overwhelming. Different people have different norms around contact and friendship over time and after a relationship ends. (ETA: Not in an obsessive "someday-we'll-be-together-again" way, lol. In your mind, it's been a while since you broke up, and in the meantime, it feels like a lot of water has passed under the bridge. HD01;:, Siddartha (Dhritiman Chatterjee) is forced to discontinue his medical studies due to unexpected and brutal death of his father. The grass looks greener, so your ex skates out into the wild world of dating to find someone who ALSO has quirks, hangups and is generally human just like you are. If you have a partner, think of them as well. Commentdocument.getElementById("comment").setAttribute( "id", "a2a4ca169ddda5052d135fd7416bc0e6" );document.getElementById("i2dc42b6e0").setAttribute( "id", "comment" ); Alexander Burgemeester has a Master in Neuropsychology. He also has a kid. For some strange reasons, exes seem to pop up when were at our lowest, making it easy to forget about how terrible the relationship was and give in to their charms. They didnt expect you to be this chirpy so soon. Do not use it as an opportunity to continue the mud-slinging. He also had trust issues before we got together. One impulsive move can shatter everything. Society typically tells us that people don't change. I don't think it's reciprocated on my end & I thought not replying would prevent another attempt to be honest. Lets not lose sleep over only the unpleasant prospects. Remember, when an ex contacts you, you need to be answerable to yourself first. If they agree, set the date and meet up with them. "What really frightens and dismays us is not external events themselves, but the . You might be able to tell perhaps by their tone that your ex is reaching out because they're bored, lonely, or having a tough time moving. It will save you a lot of unnecessary fights in the future. They were also more likely . I think I'm willing to give it a second try.". I feel bummed and embarrassed but nothing I could do. Now, she wants to meet for coffee and I cant resist myself because I still need that closure. Click to share on Facebook (Opens in new window), Click to share on Twitter (Opens in new window), Click to share on LinkedIn (Opens in new window), Click to share on Reddit (Opens in new window), Click to share on Pinterest (Opens in new window), Click to share on Telegram (Opens in new window), Click to share on WhatsApp (Opens in new window), My Ex Is With Someone Else But Still Contacts Me, decide if you want to be friends with your ex, They return because their life doesnt go according to plan, what to do when your ex contacts you years later, when an ex boyfriend contacts you years later, when an ex girlfriend contacts you years later, When A Guy Cries At The Thought Of Losing You. Very random in his message he stated that it was crazy for reaching out and that Ive always been brought up in conversion by school mates and that hes sorry if he negatively impacted me and hes always wishing the best for me and hes never forgot me. They are not trying to rekindle the relationship or become friends. But apparently it has haunted him for 12 years enough to find me and ask. If youre focused and working on your goals, will your ex become a distraction? Theyll reveal whether your ex wants to keep you around out of convenience or if your ex has more selfless plans for you. I reached out to let him know, and asked if he'd like to meet up in person for a bit, that I wanted to see him and also apologize for how things had gone down. There are some things only you know about your partner. But theyre really hoping that youll end up in bed together. You broke up because an argument went too far, but they want to see whether you can pick up where you left off. Why Did My Ex Unfriend Me But Not Block Me? Might even make it a little easier to connect with my kids. Apparently he had heard a rumor that I had found out I was pregnant after we broke up and had aborted the baby. Personally I've never reached out to an ex - but my abusive ex of 5 years reached out to me. Youll set your own pace and see if your ex agrees. He or she needed these things so that life (especially health and well-being) could go back to the way they were prior to getting hurt and reaching out for support. Always so grateful. Just take your time. I'd suspected he had too. Theres a chance she wants you back, but be careful about that. And if they dont like what they see, they will start missing you. Why Are My Exs Friends Contacting Me And Being So Nice To Me? Some dumpers break up with their partners, enjoy their lives, date other people for a while, and then realize they arent happy. You are right that there probably isn't a deeper meaning t9 it. When exes come back after no contact, it startles you for a second. But do it because you want to re-connect from where you are now in your life, not expecting to re-connect in a way that doesn't reflect the ways in which you may have changed and grown over time. 1. The most harmless case might be that your ex-partner is just checking in on you to learn how you are doing in life. However to say a rocky marriage would be an understatement. Despite going on several dates after breaking up with their ex-partner, they never met anyone worth having a serious relationship with. I do not want to interrupt her life now and do not want to reopen any wounds. I look forward to it, Al. Dont let your ex pull the strings on you just for the sake of finding closure. He was understanding and glad to know I am happy. You may hold beliefs about anger, such as: Nice . On the contrary, the partner who initiated this breakup would get a reality check. I am considering contacting my ex that I havent had contact with I over 5 years. It means that you must wait for your ex to verbalize or show what he or she wants. I'll respond when she texts but it's usually something really superficial and she doesn't make an effort to continue a conversation anymore. First, it helps normalize our experience and our feelings. As you say, it was likely just an attempt to ease her guilt. This is particularly common with exes who feel stifled in the relationship, and as though they were missing out on something else by being with you. But some people are lucky enough to meet that one person who accepts everything about them. Similar to blaming, Paul says anger is a sign that they have not moved on, which tracks with the grief stage of a breakup. He tried to hint that he was looking for an affair and then I blocked him. Before she had the chance to process this heartbreak, this ex-partner resurfaced out of nowhere. This is not about playing games, its about knowing if you really want to restart a conversation with a person who you have dated in the past. His reply is 'the plain human courage shown by the people of Vietnam', instead of the . Most people go through lifehidingparts of their character because theyre afraid of being judged. On the other hand, if theyre calling because they want to get back together, youll need to think carefully about that. When a toxic and/or abusive ex-partner reaches out or asks to stay friends, they're most likely looking to ensnare you back into the unhealthy dynamic that made the relationship lethal in the first place. later: 1. After reading his message im not sure if I should reply. After their first failed romance after yours, they realize that the vision they had of what it might be like to be with someone else isnt all it was cracked up to be. all about love and couple relationships in their varied forms. More often than not, they just want to catch up and be friends. Its not that people want their ex to suffer, per se, its that they may feel a sick ego boost when comparing their progress after your breakup to their own. Good emotional support is tough to come by out there in the cold, dark dating world. In some cases, exes break up and get back together more than once due to unhealthy relationship patterns or beliefs. Your ex wasnt committed to coming back. Is there space for them if youre planning on letting your ex back into your life? If we cross paths I will thank her otherwise I am letting this one go. My ex and I are talking again, can this lead to something more complicated? Maybe shed met someone else and lost interest because of him. Why would an ex contact you years after the relationship ended? If you dont want to reply, you dont have to and you frankly shouldnt. What is their intention? What role are they going to play? Suzanne Degges-White, Ph.D., is a licensed counselor and professor at Northern Illinois University. If your relationship was healthy, you might not feel the need to speak to the person, or you may still have them in your life. After a few weeks of talking, take the plunge and suggest the two of you meet face-to-face. They broke up in 2007 because Prince William thought he was too young to be in such a serious relationship and wanted to enjoy his youth. Whats going on? For many adults, that can fuel the attraction to Facebook friends from high school daysthey remind us of a time when we were more self-assured than we might be now, more carefree, and probably with a greater sense of agency in our lives. Due to pride, they dont get back together immediately, get on with their lives, and date other people. We talked briefly. Since you can never really know why they contacted you, you shouldnt make assumptions about anything. Exes sometimes need years to process the breakup and find reasons to communicate. New comments cannot be posted and votes cannot be cast. We cover topics you'd find helpful like how to recover after an ex reaches out, how to set boundaries after a breakup, and why ex contact can be so . The good thing about it is that you get to decide whether you want her in your life or not. So they come back, tail between their legs, ready to renegotiate their bond with you. When you reach out to a former friend from a place of support and no expectations others than to share a moment of connection, it can leave a lasting feeling of positive connection and appreciation for that persons having been there earlier in your life and when you reached back out in this period of uncertainty. I'm not mad that she reached out. Signs And Coping Tips, 15 Speed Dating Dos and Donts You Need To Know, How To Start A Conversation With A Girl: 20 Ways That Never Fail, 10 Ways To Tell Your Parents You Have A Girlfriend, Dealing With An Insecure Boyfriend? I took the blame at the end of the year, entirely, when she was seated behind me, I decided to reach out. Thats why he or she breaks the rules of no contact that he or she has been following religiously and gives you some of your power back. Out of curiosity: if you ever reached out to an ex boyfriend/ girlfriend/ husband/ wife years later: what did you want out of it? It's a long story. On the contrary, what if your ex got dumped and just wanted to check in on you? You get to decide whether to forgive her and alleviate her guilty conscience. After a breakup, Bird said, some people just need "an emotional cutoff and want to remove all evidence of their ex from their life.". I've never really had the desire to reach back into the past, but I have to say it's been nice to remember how different I was when I was young and laugh at myself. TL;DR: Yes, because our break-up needed closure. That was all he wanted and said hes glad Im ok, never heard from him since. If the person ghosted you leaving you in dire need of closure, you might feel tempted to respond to their message. Reviewed by Jessica Schrader. My advice is to not get distracted by what your ex says too much and instead look at the things your ex asks or expects from you. In todays article, well discuss why an ex would contact you years after the breakup and how to respond to specific reach outs. Your ex is an ex for a reason, and giving them attention when your present life is fulfilling isnt really worth it. Yes, it is very common for exes to get back together years later. She is remarried and I do not want to interrupt that but I never had a chance to thank her for being such a great step mom to my children even after we were not in contact. But ultimately, she wanted me to know that she feels bad for how mean she was to me when we broke up. In other cases, receiving a text from an ex can immediately bring up feelings of annoyance, dread or even fear particularly if the relationship was a toxic and unhappy one that you want distance from. So they pick up the phone, dial your number, and hope youre just as lonely as them and willing to have a conversation. Ex Reached Out After No Contact. I'm ashamed to say I panicked and hid. I don't want to cause problems between him and his gf/wife. Instead of overthinking about what they might want, you should focus on where you stand in this whole situation. Besides, you have no way of knowing whether your ex will be forthcoming and candid in their response. It is okay if he contacts you after so many years. What do you think? Exes might get back together if the reasoning for a breakup was mutual or based on uncontrollable life circumstances. There are several reasons why exs reach out years later, including they are just checking up on you, they want to offer a sincere apology, or they are jealous of your happiness. No matter how you both ended things, try not to respond to the text immediately, even if its a lazy Saturday afternoon and your only entertainment is your cat licking her own fur. I'm here to tell you that this is a BIG opportunity for you and it's something you shouldn't ruin. If they were unwilling or incapable of giving you closure themselves, reconnecting with an ex after 10 years isnt going to do the trick. But that doesnt mean the deeper connection between them would disappear just like that. You DO NOT have to maintain a protocol, thinking that itll be too rude to not reply. And continue, saying "You are now happily married, well settled in your life and you would appreciate if he keeps the past as a history. No but an ex reached out to me after 15 years to commiserate because hes stuck in a bad marriage and a bald, portly man now.